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MONDAY 9th OCTOBER: As a connoisseur of depression I have something to offer my fellow depressives: the most depressing sight of the parliamentary year (we only started yesterday). What did we see? Parliament Square blocked off by crash barriers on both sides of the street; lines of police everywhere; squads of officers held in reserve in adjacent streets; high police vans. Cooped up somewhere inside all this force – pushed back from the roadway – were a mere hundred or so demonstrators protesting about Iraq. They were invisible behind the fluorescent health and safety jackets that police wear these days.

The political class wonder why citizens are disengaged from the political process. Do our leaders not realise how unattractive this sort of thing makes them look? As they cower behind these preposterous security procedures?

Let’s see if we can cheer ourselves up. Consider Sion Simon. The Birmingham Boy Wonder took on the prime minister over the summer. His  campaign fell to pieces like a column of Bisto powder. He is now consolidating his power base. I can’t remember exactly how he put it but his question asked: “Will the editor of the Birmingham Evening Post please put my name in his paper?”

Tessa Jowell made us laugh. There was a moment of fellow feeling when we realised she suddenly looked 160 because the decision on her estranged husband was about to be made. Was he going to be hauled off to stand trial in Italy? Maybe she didn’t know anything about the mortgage; she doesn’t seem to know about anything. Malcolm Moss referred to a government-wide policy with dedicated tax breaks to make Britain the world leader in internet gambling. No, no, she said. “We are marketing Britain as the toughest regulatory regime in the world for internet gambling.” What? Who are the customers in this bizarre campaign? “Shall we move our gambling business to Britain, boss?” “Good idea, Lugs, no one has a tougher regulatory regime!”

What else? Hazel Blears’ respray has been spectacularly successful. She’s emerged from her summer’s panel beating with completely reconditioned bodywork and a retooled chassis. The engineering applied to her hair must have been developed in the space programme. She looks terrific! (But why? What’s she up to?)

Alan Johnson and John Reid found themselves sitting next to each other. I put a hundred quid on them as the next leader/deputy duo. I think it’s a bad bet now, even at 5-1. Alan Johnson suddenly looks grey, And Dr Demento is just too slow. He grinds. He’s a grinder. You can see how Cameron could lose all the arguments and still beat Reid or Brown.

NB: Liam Byrne has some private interest hasn’t he, in a supply company for the Home Office? Maybe he owns a private prison. This could be very useful for anxious parents. Make sure you get your boys down for a place at birth!